Doctored? Mum's the word.

A good many years ago a doctor told my mother that her cholesterol level was too high.

Mum said: It's only too high because you people have changed the numbers.

It was clear to mum that the numbers had been doctored.

What mum knew was that her cholesterol had been in the 'normal' range before the lower levels were 'invented'.

Mum refused the doctor's advice and tablets.

Next week she will be 98.


One time I went to a doctor who measured my heartbeat.

He said: It's too low.

I said: What do you mean by too low?

He said: It seems to be less than 40 beats per minute.

I said: What should it be?

He said: For your age, about 70 beats per minute would be good.

I don't really know why but I immediately said: Miguel Indurain's resting pulse is 28 bpm.

I'd read it in a cycling magazine once. Perhaps that was the reason.

Doc said: Uh?

I could see the Doc was puzzled so I said: A friend of mine has a higher pulse rate. It's 34. But he's he's only a runner. He doesn't cycle up the Pyrenees.

Doc then showed me another machine. It looked a like a vacuum cleaner. In fact it was just like the drawing of the vacuum cleaner-WMD in Graham Greene's 'Our Man in Havana'.

Doc said: Blow into the mouthpiece. I'll measure your lung capacity.

When I'd finished blowing he said: You have the highest reading we've ever measured.

I said: Is there anything else?

He said: No. You can go now.

That was 30 years ago.  Shortly after mum's cholesterol 'problem'.


Since that time I can only recall my heartbeat being measured once.

My friend Jon, a believer in gadgets,  once put a heart monitor on my chest and said: Run up and down that hill over there.

When I got back five minutes later he showed me the result.

The screen on his device said:  00 bpm

Jon said: I don't understand it.

I said: I must be dead.

Jon laughed.


As for my pulse, I no longer measure it.

When I want my pulse to go faster I drink coffee.

If I want it to go slower I drink beer.


That's all there is to it.





*Note: If you're feeling unwell consult a doctor.  The above story is for amusement only.