Sunday, 25 March 2018
UK's Disunited Kingdom of Absurdistan: Putin will 'use World Cup like Hitler did the 1936 Olympics'
Dear Mr Bojo,
Here's some information you should know in advance of the FIFA World Cup 2018:
Volgograd is the venue for the England team's first fixtures.
Volgograd was the previously known as Stalingrad.
It was here that the Russians defeated Hitler's Wehrmacht.
See Operation Uranus. That's one word. It's pronounced - Ur-anus.
The Battle of Stalingrad was the most important battle of World War II.
More than 20,000,000 Russians died in World War II.
Volgograd is twinned with Coventry. If you don't know why, look it up. It has to do with the fight against Hitler.
In 2004 a flight from Moscow to Volgograd was blown up in mid-air. All crew and passengers were killed. A flight to Sochi was bombed on the same day. All crew and passengers were killed.
In 2013 a bomb exploded on a bus in Volgograd. Five people were killed and 19 wounded.
In 2013 a bomb exploded in Volgograd Railway. 17 people killed.
In 2013 a bomb exploded on a trolleybus in Volgograd. 15 people killed.
England's first game in Group G is against Tunisia.
If England win Group G they will play in Rostov-On-Don.
Rostov-On-Don was also occupied by Hitler's Wehrmacht.
Rostov-On-Don is twinned with Glasgow.
Should England reach the quarter finals they will play in Kazan.
Kazan produced tanks and aeroplanes to defeat Hitler.
Where is Kazan you say?
I expect you have a map somewhere in your office.
If England reach the semi finals they will play in Saint Petersburg.
During World War II Hitler's Wehrmacht laid siege to Saint Petersburg which at that time was called Leningrad. Hitler's siege of Leningrad lasted more than 870 days. More than 1,000,000 people (some sources say at least 2,000,000) starved and/or froze to death.
Are you getting the picture?
Do you now realize how insulting your inane comments are?
Manchester and Edinburgh are sister cities to Saint Petersburg.
The final match is to be played in Moscow's Luzhniki Stadium on 15th July 2018.
Britain boycotted the Olympic Games held in that very stadium because Russia invaded Afghanistan.
You know about Afghanistan, don't you?
Of course you do.
I don't mean the three Anglo-Afghan Wars of the 19th and 20th centuries.
I mean the time we sent Prince Harry over there.
I almost forgot to mention that Moscow was also besieged by Hitler's Wehrmacht and bombed from the air by the German Luftwaffe.
The footballer Stan Collymore is working for the Russians.
And also the footballer manager Jose Mourinho.
Maybe they are Russian spies?
What d'you reckon, Mr BoJo?
ps - As you won't be going to the World Cup please return your ticket to FIFA so that somebody else can use it. Or better still, donate it to a worthy cause. Reporters Without Borders, perhaps? Or give it to me?
pps - If you give me your match ticket I'll give you my Panini Russia 2018 Sticker Album and 6 stickers to start you off. I can't say fairer than that, can I?